Jason Castro – White Chair Film – I Am Second®
[A WHITE CHAIR FILM] Oh, this is so weird.
This has been, like, big secret, like awkward secret.
[JASON CASTRO] [Man] Are you Columbian?[laughter] [In 2008, Jason tried out for American Idolwhile attending Texas A&M] [His rendition of "Hallelujah" climbed to #1on iTunes within a week.
["One of my favorite Idol contestants ever.
"Andrew – US Weekly] [Man]- Ready?[Jason] – Yep.
[Man] – All right.
[Jason] – Got to do it.
It's the story.
You know, the showis two and a half months of intense stuff that was cool, real easy to stay busy.
But then as the tour started and we got going, I just found myself more and morein just, like, a lonely place.
The point that I was at was a placewhere I was finding myself— I hate saying this.
But I guess— I was just addicted to pornography.
You know, towards the end of high school and really in college is wheneverI kind of had free reign over myself, a lot of privacy, and I think that I wasn't preparedfor what the Internet had.
You know, it started out as a smallevery now and then and you know, I guess it had just kept growing.
And by the time I was on this tour, I mean, I was just looking at stuff every daymultiple times a day and this addiction was really bothering me.
It was bringing me down.
I would—it was keeping me depressed.
I wasn't sleeping at night.
I would stay up all night out of shame and then I would go back to my thing,you know, the addictive cycle.
You do something you wouldn't—once you've done it, "well, I've already done it.
I've already screwed up.
Let's just keep going.
" And I would just, you know— I couldn't—I couldn't stop.
Ultimately, I ended up— I don't know how you say this.
I just ended up sleeping with somebody on tour and in the same way – it's still just this secret.
It's just the next step.
Well, it wasn't on the computer.
It was in real life.
And just doing that, feeling awful about it.
I found myself doing somethingI'd never even come close to with my girlfriend, my future wife.
We had hardly kissed, and here I— here I had just slept with somebodythat I barely knew, and that created a huge— I mean.
Having a secret just eats at you,like, so much.
You know, and you feel like a liarthe whole time you're around her and you're trying to make up for this thing.
You're trying to have fun,but you really can't even have fun because, you know, you've just,you know, wronged her.
And four months later is when I told her, and she naturally did not expect it.
It brought lots of tears.
I asked for her forgiveness.
I told her I understand if you don'twant to be with me obviously.
[♪ music ♪] [After apologies to Mandy, her family and friends,the couple's engagement was called off.
] [Four months later, Mandy called Jasonto discuss forgiveness.
] [Soon their relationship was reconciled.
] ["Yesterday I married the girl of my dreams"Jason Castro Tweet, Jan 2, 2010] We get married and up to this point, you know, my wife had told me if I ever look at pornography,we're getting a divorce.
So I was like, OK, won't ever look at it, thought I wouldn't, thought I was goodwith the accountability software and everything, thought I was safe.
And we get married and, you know, I— I just—I found myselfstill looking at pornography and I had, I guess, discoveredsome loopholes.
You know, I had a smartphonewhich—I don't know how much of this you want me to say, but, you know, now it was easier than ever.
Now it was in my pocketany time I want it anywhere.
I would wake up eveyr morningand my heart would just start racing and I would want to go look at porn, look at porn and go start the day, pretend to be the happy—the good husband, you know.
Find myself not wanting to tell herbecause she said she'd get a divorce.
How do I talk about this?We've already been through so much.
What's the point of bringing it back up? This isn't as bad as a real person.
Let's Just figure it out, you know.
But it eventually got to be too much, you know, making us grow separateand she didn't know what it was.
She thought it was her.
And I was—I was a coward.
I did not want to tell her.
[Eight months into marriage, the Castrosare invited by friends to a support group at their church.
] We go walking in on a Monday nightnot knowing what to expect, so we go in and we sit down.
It looks very much like an AA meetingif you're trying to visualize.
So then they ask us to stand up and read aloud these—these twelve stepsand these principles.
So, we start reading this, and it's like a 12-step program.
My wife wasn't expecting that.
She was—she started crying there.
She's like—she just never picturedher life like this.
And my wife never struggled with being—I don't know just acting bad.
And I always had a hard time acting good.
So then someone comes up and shares a testimony.
And you know, you don't really getto hear peoples' stories a whole lot.
And especially all of it, you know.
And I don't even rememberwhat the story was that week but I remember just being like,"whoa, what—what is he— is this really—his life was like that?" You know, I just—it was crazy.
And people going around the circle,everybody had a different problem.
And everybody in this room was pretty down and pretty close to out and just, you know, an overwhelmingsense of hopelessness.
But by the end of it, I couldn't help but be so filled with hope which is just weird,but in people sharing their struggles God really used it to reveal to meand I think to everybody else.
I think that's how it works.
And so we kept going,kept going every Monday night, and I still haven't told my wifethat I've been looking at pornography because that's just—she said she will get a divorce.
I don't want that.
So after a couple of months,I confessed to her in front of the group.
You know, I just had to ask for forgiveness.
And it was a really tough night.
There had been a lot of bad times,but this was, like, the darkest.
It was, like, my wife wanting a divorce, fighting all the time, breaking stuff,just embarassing things.
You know, I felt like I had told her everything,but I think what I had always done was tell her just enough to let her know I had made a mistake.
But I, you know, never reallyfully disclosed everything.
So finally one night we— I just got everything out.
I was like just trying to think of anything in the past that my wife would have been offended about so that she could love mebecause otherwise how could she, you know? I wanted her to know who I was and to be able to love me, who I was,with everything, with all of my past and my present.
And I really thinkthat's when everything started to change because I started feeling freer.
And it's funny 'cause I—you know, I always believed in God but didn't really trust Him with everything.
I thought this thing was too dirty,too dark to share with anybody.
But once I trusted with Him,you know, we started the road of, you know, just living a Godly life,being a community, being known, and it feels good to be known.
[♪ music ♪]♪ I've felt the streets and the pavement burning ♪ ♪ off the youth from both my feet ♪ [♪ music ♪] Eventually I got to the pointthat I got rid of myself when I got rid of every outlet.
Just had to get to a point that's like,all right, let's take away every potential hazard.
If I'm feeling tempted to go look at pronography and I don't tell anybody,it's only a matter of time before something happens.
And, you know, now with my community and stuff, I'm able to share that and even share like I share with my wife.
I told her I'll share with herif I take any step towards it.
So just any sneaky move.
And it's been amazing.
It's crazy, but it's almost like with gratitude that my wife's like "I'm so glad you told me that.
" You know, now she understandsthat it's a struggle that we have and this struggle might never go away.
I mean, it's part of my flesh.
But I've been able to overcome it really.
This is the real miracle, you know, that I'm able to have a family right nowand married to my wife and to us to have a better relationshipthan either of us ever imagined.
♪ I just want to run, run, run ♪ ♪ run until I find myself with you ♪ I'm no longer the porn addict.
I no longer have this thing in the back of my mind that's keeping me away from my wifeand now my daughter.
Instead, I'm able to just—to just be there.
♪ I just want to run, run, run ♪ ♪ run until I find myself with you ♪ I've done some things, but I'm able to be free of those things because of Jesus Christ and now I'm a free man.
I just—I don't want anything elseto be first anymore.
That's why I am Second.
[Two years after this interview, Jason & Mandywelcomed their second daughter to the family.
] [Soon they celebrate their 6th anniversary.
] [I AM SECOND].